“How are you?” 

“How do you think I am??” This is the usual response inside a griever’s head. 

I start sessions by asking “How’s your heart and soul doing in this moment?” (because it changes from moment to moment for people grieving an earth shattering loss).

“You have to go through all the stages.” 

Elizabeth Kübler-Ross’ Stages of Grief and her first book On Death and Dying were the result of her interviews done with patients who had a terminal illness. Her work opened up conversations about death and dying. Kübler-Ross became one of the central figures in the hospice care movement.

However, there is no empirical data that supports the stages when applied to grievers. The 5 stages model endorses the idea that grievers go through a set pattern of specific reactions over time following the death of a loved one. This leaves grievers feeling confused and inadequate and promotes the idea that “acceptance” is the end of their grieving. 

There are many other theories about grief. Take a look at this one: Dual Process Model of Coping - Wikipedia

“Grief just takes time.”

How long does it take? (hint…there is no formula or definitive timeframe). Although time is one factor in learning to adapt, getting a different perspective, and growing, saying it “just takes time” can be very frustrating for a griever to hear. And with time and isolation, it can get worse without support and help. 

“You’re so strong!” 

This may be a true statement however it shuts down most grievers who are feeling the most vulnerable and “fragile” they’ve ever been. 

Letting them know you believe in their ability to get through the pain of their grief is a more supportive statement. 

“If you had a magic wand…”

PLEASE DON’T ASK THE MIRACLE QUESTION!! IT WILL BACKFIRE AND THE GRIEVER WILL FEEL EVEN MORE FRUSTRATED AND ISOLATED. 

If they had a magic wand, they wouldn’t need to see you. 

“You just need a good cry and then you’ll feel better.”

Crying can be cathartic however there are many grievers who aren’t expressive through tears and are misunderstood as not being emotional and not caring about the death of their loved one. 

“You should get a new pet soon, that will make you feel better.“

A new pet may be cuddly and distracting but it doesn’t “replace” the treasured companion in the griever’s heart and the connection isn’t the same. 

“Don’t make any major decisions for a year.”

366 days after the death of a loved one doesn’t magically make you think better. 

And many people have no other choice than to make major decision i.e. immediately selling a house, changing jobs, taking a child out of private school, etc etc. and it's important that they not be made to feel wrong for these decisions.

“At least he/she/they lived a long life.”

ANYTHING that follows “at least” is NOT going to help a grieving heart. It becomes a rationale for why they shouldn’t feel sad and it doesn’t acknowledge the emotions the person is expressing. 

“Everything happens for a reason.”

It’s a shitty reason….whatever the stupid reason!

“You should really be grateful for…”

Gratitude can sit beside grief but not be the reason to negate the pain. Their gratitude is there. It’s important for you to increase your capacity to witness their pain.

“At least your loved one isn’t suffering anymore.”

Again...ANYTHING that follows “at least” is NOT going to help a grieving heart.

“When you lose a child, it puts you at higher risk for divorce.”

The ONE study that was done many years ago IS FALSE! “In a 2006 study commissioned by The Compassionate Friends, parental divorce following the death of a child was found to be around 16%. The findings were consistent with an earlier study conducted by the group that showed equally low divorce rates among bereaved parents. Interestingly, less than half of those who were divorced following the death of their child felt that the death had contributed to the disintegration of the marriage.”

DON’T:

• Wait until your client brings up their grief.

• Assume your client is okay after a certain period of time.

• Assume attending a grief group is the only modality to use with your clients to deal with their grief.

• Assume that grief only pertains to a loss by death. 

DO:

• Get more information and support about loss and grief because all of your clients are experiencing it!